Happy Mother's Day 2015

It's almost midnight, which means Mother's Day is only minuets away. Im laying in bed, crying, because that's what I do when I think about not having you here with me. I cry, mostly at night, when everyone is asleep. I just miss you & somehow the tears just run down my face.

I think about all the times I know you cried yourself to sleep, worried about your babies. With five kids, I know you must have cried many times that I wasn't even aware of. I am also thinking of the times I made you cry and I knew it - like when I boarded a plane at 16 years old to be an exchange student to Russia. I don't think you really understood why I wanted to go -but you let me go - knowing it was something I needed to do for me.  You cried with me many nights, as I figured out how to get out of a bad relationship, and face the world alone as a single mom of two boys.  You cried when all three of our my babies were born. You were so proud of your grand babies. I remember you crying at my wedding. You were so happy that I had found my soulmate with Alex. You knew he would love me and our boys forever. 

I sit here thinking about how you would be crying right beside me, right now. You would not want me crying over missing you. That year - not so long ago - that was the hardest year of my life? There were many times you would crawl into my bed and cry with me, because thats all we could do. 

Tonight, though - I can close my eyes and feel you rubbing my back, reassuring me that everything is happening the way God intends it to. You are reminding me that I am not alone because you are always in my heart. 

Well, Momma. I will wipe away my tears and remember the three decades of Mother's Day that we had together. And I will give thanks to God for blessing me with a Momma who had a heart so gentle and loving that she was not afraid to cry over those she loved. 

Happy Mother's Day, Momma. 

Welcome, Little One

Today is a beautiful day to have a Baby.

No, not me.

But my best friend Sarah.

I took her Maternity Photos two weeks ago and this one? I love it.

We cannot wait to meet you Charlotte Pearl! You are loved more than you know!

(This has nothing to do with being creative. I just needed to blog my heart and get some stuff out of my system. Not interested? Thats ok)

I am sitting here this morning thinking about how life changes.

I am one week away from the anniversary of my Momma passing.

Grief is such a funny thing. It is so up and down..and just when you feel like you have it under control, BAM. It smacks you in the face.

My family has 'made it' through all the first holidays, birthdays, and births. Actually, I think we handled all of those milestones with the grace and peace that would have made my Momma proud.

Remember me telling you about my dad having a girlfriend? Well after thoughtful prayer and time, they have decided to get married. And that's a good thing.

On Monday, though, it hit me. My dad will be moving in with Shirley once they are married. And the days of just walking into my parents home are gone.

I stopped by to see my dad (he was at Shirley's house) and I had to ring the doorbell.

A small thing but it was something I have never had to do before to see my dad. Before, all I did was just walk in. It was home, after all. Once Dad moves, the last piece of the life we had with Momma will be gone.

Not going to lie. It hurt to breath on Monday.

I cried myself to sleep Monday evening. It felt good to cry, to get it all out.

Tuesday I woke up and the pain was less. I know things change, and good can come from change.

It's just hard sometimes. 


What a year.

A year of loss...grieving...and uncertainty.   It was a year of figuring out a new normal.

But it was also a year of learning. A year of celebrations with friends who also family. A year of traveling to new places and going back home.

It was a year of focusing on our family and the everyday.

2014 is a year I will never forget.

Happy New Year, friends! I cannot wait to see what 2015 brings!