Blog Your Heart

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My friend Stephanie is making her Blog Your Heart campaign a monthly challenge & I am committing to participating. I love this. I love the idea of women sharing, understanding, and bonding over the issues of their heart. 

Here is how it will work, once a month I will come & pour my heart out. You can comment - or not - just no judging!  If you do comment, let me know if you are going to participate with a Blog Your Heart Post and I will come read. We are all friends here & I want to support you!  

 Here is what's on my heart right now.....

1. I am excited that Ben seems to be finding a 'good spot' for himself. With Asperger's, he struggles sometimes socially and needs a semi structured routine. It's feeling like we are in a good place with him making friends & going the extra mile to maintain friends. His grades are good and he has a routine that is working well for him. Ben is about 6 months away from earning his Eagle Scout and I am amazed how far Ben has come since starting scouts. This has been a long process &sometimes we are still failing with it. But each day, he seems to taking steps in the right direction.

2. Here lately, I have been feeling inadequate. Not real sure what that's all about - but I have noticing that I am comparing myself to others lately. Not happy about that, either. This is part of why I haven't blogged here lately. I am just not feeling 'good enough'. WHICH IS CRAZY. I am good enough. I am talented enough. My heart knows that other's opinion of my work doesn't matter. I just wish my head believed it.

3. I took the boys to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday and it hit me. The boys are growing up so fast!I don't have much time before they will be going to college, moving out. Oh how thinking about this makes my heart hurt. I hope I have been a good mother to them. I hope I have instilled confidence in them. Showed them right and wrong. Taught them to be patient, generous, kind and loyal. To be courageous men who stand up for their families, their country. I want them to be men who aren't ashamed to be followers of Christ.  I know I fail them in so many ways, everyday. I am not always patient with them, and I know I have high expectations. I hope my boys can see how much I love them & how that I will always be a safe place for them to be themselves and to make mistakes.

4. I am feeling that I am not where I should be with my relationship with my Lord. Being too busy to attend Church, not having my quiet time like I should. It's all taking a toll on my relationship (or, as it seems, lack of relationship). I. Must. Get. Back. On. Track. My head and heart are in such a better place when I make the time. I have started reading Proverbs 31 Ministry's Daily Devotions. So much of what is written hits home with me. I am also trying to work through my anger and hurt feelings towards someone the I once considered my best friend. Forgiveness is a hard one for me, particularly when someone is so careless about hurting - and rehurting (is that even a word?) - her family. The drug abuse, the lies, the broken promises. I know I have to forgive her, but then what? Does that make everything ok? Forgive and forget?

5. I have been cleaning out, getting our home ready for the holidays. Kinda dreading Christmas this year. The boys are with their dad, and well, Alex and I will be home alone. More than any other day, the Christmas mornings where the boys are gone with their dad, and we are without Marcy - they are the hardest. Every other year we are reminded that she should be with us, and she isn't. My parents are moved to East Texas now, so its just going to be us. Its going to be pretty quiet. I am trying to talk him into taking a vacation and us going somewhere, anywhere. Somehow I think it will be easier for us if we are in the Bahamas sitting on the beach, or  on the Coast of South Carolina or in New York. Maybe I am just being delusional about it all...
6. Trying to decide if I will buy the Studio Calico December Daily. Leaning towards not buying it - its pricey & honestly, I am thinking of doing a 'Gratitude Journal' in November instead. The boys will be here all month in Nov, where as in Dec. they will leave on the 16th until the 26th. I am also thinking I would rather take time to use the Gratitude Journal as a teaching tool for the boys - to find something, everyday, to be grateful for.

7. Flipping through photos on my computer I ran across a photo of my twin brother Michael and his wife Amanda. They eloped earlier this month. I am just so incredibly happy for them! Not only do I get a new sister in law, I am gaining two new nephews! I am so proud of Micheal. He waited, and waited for the perfect girl for him. And she came :)

Thanks for letting me pour my heart out. I sooo needed this today. 

5 comments:

  1. melissa, i loved all of your honesty. sounds like ben is doing good. i love the idea of the gratitude journal. is there a certain one you are going to use? we all have that habit of comparing ourselves...and we shouldn't because we are all beautiful.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your heart! I am right there with you about the patience thing with the kids, some days I hate myself, I really need to practice my patience!

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  3. I struggle when my kids spend the holidays with their dad, too. This year my oldest is a Junior - it will be his last Christmas at home (next year he'll be with his dad) ... though we celebrate aat New Years on the off years, it's still hard.

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  4. big huge hugs sweet friend. you are amazing...thinking about you today. xoxo

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  5. Life goes way too fast, for sure. Love the pumpkin patch moment you described:)

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